I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
