Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
