i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
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You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
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Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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