I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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