the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
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either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
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I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
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