I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
