He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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