i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
