I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
