dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
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She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
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He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.