i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars