I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND