They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
