Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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