I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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