Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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