I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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