We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
