The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
