I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
