Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
