i need an iv and a liver transplant
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
