Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
