I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Every concussion has its silver lining
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I am available for nakedness
Randomize