Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
