you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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