I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
