I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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