We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
