So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
