They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
