life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
