Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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