A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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