I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
