On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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