He had one of those small greek statue penises
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
