see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
