I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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