forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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