Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
