..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
