Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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