the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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