Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
