Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
