youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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