can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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