my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
