I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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