true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Randomize
