cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
