i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
