youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I can't put those talents on a resume
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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