I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
